What have I done?
by Ruthyroo
Summary: After last nights heartbreaking episode, this time from Brendan's POV.


**What have I done? :(**

He is everything to me, he is all I've ever wanted for so long, but I hurt him…I hurt him real bad. He thinks that I'm capable of hurting someone that way, of touching them without their consent. What kind of monster does he think I am? I could never do that and why would I want to touch anyone when I have him by my side…my reason for breathing. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I didn't do it and I tell him over and over but it doesn't change his opinion of me and I hate it that he thinks I'd do that.

"**And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."**

His words cut me to the core and I feel the rage, the rage that had been bubbling up inside me all day and I did the only thing I knew how to do, the only thing I can control. I hit him hard, harder than I have ever hit him before and in that one fleeting moment I have reverted back to my old self…the Brendan that even I hate. I'm nothing like Seamus; I could never take the innocence of an eight year old boy. That man destroyed me in every way possible, I could never do that and it hurts me deeply that Steven doesn't see me the way he should.

"**And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad." **

After the first punch he falls to the floor, desperately trying to cover his face, he knows only too well what is coming to him. I don't stop, I repeatedly hit him. Maybe I'm trying to protect the little Brendan inside of me, whatever the reason, why would do this to the man I love? The rage subsides and I can hear him crying, it's then that I realise what I have put him through, again, but the damage is done now and I start to panic as the fear of him leaving me becomes a reality now.

"**And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."**

At that moment I go to him, but he is terrified, covered in blood and I want to die now. He tells me to not come near him, but I can't stay away. I need to explain, make him understand that it was just a mistake…a stupid mistake and that it will never happen again. But his beautiful face is battered and he walks away…of course he walks away. I promised I'd give him a future he deserves…is this really what he deserves? But his words keep going around in my frazzled brain.

"**And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."**

Maybe he's right, maybe I am like my Da and if that's the case then I'm nothing, I'm a disgusting waste of air that should be six feet under. He is never going to forgive me now; I have just lost the best thing to ever happen to me. Why do I do this to him? I want to pull him close and keep him safe; I'd kill anyone that laid a finger on him, but I batter him like it's my right and it's not. I should never hurt him…ever, but I do. It's like there's a switch inside me, that goes on and off when Seamus is mentioned and to be likened to him was obviously going to have disastrous consequences.

"**And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."**

I wish I had never come back; I just cause pain to everyone I love, maybe it's just time to let go. I am beyond help; no one can save me now, if Steven couldn't save me then there is no hope for me. I am getting swallowed back in to a life that I thought I'd left behind, I suppose karma is getting it's own back on me. After spending most of my life in the dark, it was nice spending these last few months in the light and I will take my memories of him to my grave…I will never forget.

"**And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."**

It's all I hear now, those words over and over in my head, it's the beginning of the end for me…for us and I already know there is no coming back from this. I need him; I don't want him to walk away, but what choice have I've given him. It breaks my heart to see what I have put him through again, I really thought I'd changed… that I was different, but in fact I'm worse than before because we're a proper couple now. I can't fix this or wave a magic wand but I wish I could…losing him will destroy me.

"**And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."**

But I lost him the minute Kevin told his lies, he doubted me from the start and I guess I can't really blame him…not by looking at his face now. I want to tell him how sorry I am and I am sorry…more sorry than I've ever been, but I know he won't listen, I don't deserve him to anyway. I don't deserve him at all, I'm poison and Amy was right to take the kids…call it a mothers intuition. If I could take it back, I would, in a heartbeat. But there is nothing I can do to make this better and from now on I'm on my own.

**"And then I see you like this and it makes me realise, yeah, maybe you are just like your Dad."**

What have I done?

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